My 96 year old grandmother had a lot of things figured out. I have spent so much time reading research, collecting data, and trying to figure out how to cultivate belonging when I needed to look no further than my grandmother’s way of being in this world and with people. “Tell Me This” really was a natural, and looking back, easy entry into cultivating a sense of belonging. I remember being around my grandmother whether alone or with a group, and someone would be sharing something, a story, a scene from their day, or a recent memory and she would often say “Tell me this, Carey” or to whomever was chatting. This was her way of signaling that she was listening, interested, and wanted to learn more.
Often when we tell a story, share a moment, or just engage in conversation, some individuals in our circle will jump in with what I like to annoyingly refer to as a “one upper.” This is the classic example of someone waiting their turn to jump in and share their own experiences and often, in their opinion, an even better story. Then you have the “waiter” who, clear to all in the conversation, is not really listening but just waiting for their turn to say something, the “my turn, my turn,” kind of sharing. These individuals think they are engaging in conversation and connecting with others around them but this not listening, not being present, and, frankly, just failing to see the person sharing and possibly being vulnerable really leads to surface and inauthentic connections - not a strong sense of belonging.
My grandmother’s answer to this? Well, any time I would share something with her - and that was a lot because I was just with her a lot - I could describe something or share a moment and often her first response after a chuckle or expression of excitement, would be “tell me this.” Those three little words were her way of showing me that she was there with me, interested, engaged, hearing me, and wanting to learn more. Those three little words were her way of asking me to unpack the story, to tell her more so that she could really understand the moment that I was describing. Those three little words are such an easy and powerful way to cultivate belonging.
Think about a classroom of students, your own kids or the neighborhood kids, a meeting at work, a gathering in your community or your church, or just about anywhere. What would “tell me this” do to a conversation or moment with a student, a friend, a co-worker, or complete stranger? My eight year old son is on the wiggly side - loves school but often times, we will get a note home from school sharing that he was having trouble focusing, or got out of his chair a lot or was just wiggly. I wonder, what would happen if his teacher paused for a moment and said “tell me this,” why are you moving around so much, what could we do to get you to settle down for this lesson? I know, I understand that paying attention, being respectful, and engaging with the class are all important lessons to learn but I think we also need to realize that our students and adults, react in unexpected and different ways for reasons we do not understand OR are not wholly observable. This risks labeling actions or responses as bad behavior or “inappropriate” when they may just be for this individual, innocent and, in this circumstance - a natural and appropriate reaction to something.
I would ask that this week, in your comings and goings, talking with your students, kids, neighbors, colleagues, and others that you try, even once, to say “tell me this.” See what kind of reaction you get from the other person and see how you feel and respond during the exchange. A little effort to cultivate belonging can go a long way. Keep in mind that we are all a work in progress, communicating and being with each other requires listening and learning - try something new and maybe an unexpected and wonderful moment will result.